October 26th, 2020: Real Talk ---- Let's Talk About Mental Health (really, it's okay)

Anxiety. Depression. Mood disorders. OCD. Post-traumatic stress disorder. Substance abuse disorders. Psychotic disorders. Personality disorders.

Y'all, there are so many different types of Mental Health disorders. Some are more common than others, but ALL of them are hard. ALL OF THEM deserve to be talked about. So guess what? We are going to talk about them today. We are going to do our part to end the stigma on Mental Health and seeking the help that is needed.

As per usual, I am going to share my personal experience with mental health with you wonderful and trustworthy humans.

Please remember to be gentle to those around you, even if they seem like the happiest person in the world. Actually, especially if they seem like the happiest person in the world...

---

I am going to keep it real with you. Really real. Guys, I am struggling.

But, I will get to that in a minute. I first want to take you down my personal journey with mental health..

So, If you know me personally, you probably know that I am a pretty happy-go-lucky person. I always have been! I have always had a ton of friends and loved being the life of the party!

What some of you might not know is that I have been on Lexipro (antidepressant) for about 8ish months, but I probably should have gotten on it years ago. I also have seen a therapist for my anxiety and mild OCD.

These are two things about myself that I am actually DAMN proud of. Excuse my language.. sorry kids. But I am! I knew I had more anxiety than I should from a pretty early age. I would check things obsessively and think something bad was going to happen if the volume dial wasn't on an even number. I would overthink and worry way more than was normal about things that didn't even matter. I knew it was an issue, but it was something I could control back then. Fast forward to having these issues as an adult. They slowly got a little bit worse, but again, I felt like I could handle it until life's stressors reared its ugly head.

I started to take control over my mental health whenever my husband, Will, got sick last year. It was awful. We originally thought his cancer came back, but after a clear bone marrow biopsy, we found out that he actually had a chronic blood disorder called Immune Thrombocytopenia Purpura. (Yup. Try saying that five times fast) He was in pain, tired, and bruised. We were also thinking about starting a family right around that time, but because of it being a blood disorder, it would have been dangerous for us to go there.. (think about what happens in order to make a family.. again, sorry kids)

So here we were, basically still newlyweds and we couldn't "practice" starting our family. It took a lot out of us, but we remained strong. I was still mentally in an okay place up until I got the call that made my life flash before my eyes.

I answered the phone and it was one of our best friends that Will works with at the hospital telling me that he wasn't responding correctly when talked to and he was having pain and numbing down his left arm..

Brain bleed.

I rushed home with my amazing parents (who dropped everything and picked me up and drove me for 2 hours to meet him at the hospital, by the way) because I clearly couldn't drive.

I was a MESS. The love of my life. The one that I just married 10 months before that moment. The guy that already survived cancer. The man that I couldn't wait to have babies with, was laying in a hospital bed all by himself with a brain bleed.

Thank goodness it was just a 2 mm bleed and he was going to be just fine, but I just couldn't shake the worry off. I couldn't shake off the thought that it was going to happen again and what if it was worse. How could I plan my future when I wasn't sure what was going to happen? Should we even have kids? I developed extreme anxiety. After we both returned to work the next week it was hard for me to go back to normal. I was so scared to leave him again. I was terrified of receiving a call that would change our life together forever.

THAT was when I knew I needed help. I found a doctor (who was AMAZING by the way.. shout out to Dr. Ager!) that helped me understand that I was NOT alone and we would figure it out. I started taking my antidepressant and booked an appointment with a therapist.

Month after month passed and I cried and worried less and less about what I couldn't control. I started to see things more clearly. I started to journal more and enjoyed breathing easily. The best decision I ever made for myself was booking that first appointment with Dr. Ager. I can honestly say that it changed my life.

---

Fast forward to now. Will's health is much better, but now we are in a pandemic.

Talk about something that could make a person ANXIOUS! We just moved AGAIN and we are also expecting our first babe. There are so many things in this life to be thankful for. SO many. We finally live closer to our families, we have the most supportive crew OUT THERE, we have a very healthy and loving marriage, and we are about to welcome a sweet baby girl into this world. We are SO blessed!!

But sometimes, when anxiety and depression hit, you don't quite let those blessings sink in as much as you want. You know you have them and that they are there, but the actual feeling of joy is not exactly flowing through your veins.

When I found out I was pregnant, my new OB (whom I do love!) said that typically she likes for her patients to not be on SSRIs (antidepressants) while pregnant and if I was comfortable we could talk about coming off of it.

Honestly, I thought "Hey, you know what?! I am so much better now. I am finally pregnant, I am not working so I don't have that added stress, and hey maybe I will lose a few pounds because being on it made me gain like crazy! Let's come off!"

I don't know if you have ever weened off of 20 mg of an antidepressant before, but it isn't pretty. ESPECIALLY while you are 15 weeks pregnant. I wasn't prepared for what was going to happen to my body and what I was going to feel like. I felt okay besides some headaches and a little nausea for the first two weeks, but as I have continued to ween myself off, that hasn't been the case.

As of about 4 days ago, I thought I had the flu. I was throwing up (not just from being preggo), I had chills, I had aches, I had muscle pain, I had depression.

If you remember, I was only used to dealing with anxiety and a little OCD here and there. This depression thing is taking it to another level.

I am going to be really upfront with you.

I was scared. To be honest, I still am a little scared. In my personal case, I felt lightheaded like I couldn't do much without feeling like I could faint. I didn't feel like me. I cried and cried without any reason at all. I had panic attacks. I am not a person who complains without being focused on a way to fix that issue. That isn't something I do, but right then I felt out of control and didn't know how to fix it.

Sunday morning (yesterday) my sweet father-in-law held my hand apologizing as I was crying because I didn't feel right. My hubby rubbed my back and helped me breathe. 3 hours later it happened again with my family. They held my hand and told me everything was going to be okay. Have I mentioned before how much I love my family, my husband, and my in-laws? I truly am so blessed.

As of today, I am feeling better. I am hopeful that this is just a temporary thing due to all of the craziness going inside my body. Something that has personally helped me is singing. I am not sure why, lol, but something about belting out a good song is so therapeutic. Another thing that is helping me is honestly writing this today. Getting out all of my worries, concerns, and thoughts and sharing it helps me feel not as alone in this.

Guys, I am a smart girl. I know that this is just a temporary thing for me, but you know what? It's not temporary for EVERYONE. I am getting tears in my eyes for my friends that feel this way on the regular.

If this is you, I am so proud of you.

If this is you, please know I am here.

If this is you, know that you are NOT alone in your struggle.

If this is you, please tell someone and get the help you DESERVE.

If this is you, know that YOU ARE NOT weird.

If this is you, know that YOU ARE still a wonderful mother, sister, friend, son, father, grandfather, grandmother, teacher, cousin, and PERSON.

If you are reading this and you are not struggling with any mental health issues, guess what? I am writing this for you, too. I am writing this to help everyone know what it feels like to feel so uncertain about what is going on in your own body. SO...

If this isn't you, I am proud of you, too.

If this isn't you, please remember that not everyone feels like you do right now.

If this isn't you, be gentle with people.

If this isn't you, check in on your friends.

If this isn't you, you are still a wonderful mother, sister, friend, son, father, grandfather, grandmother, teacher, cousin, and PERSON.

Honestly, I didn't write this today to give a bunch of advice on how to push through your emotions and fight. While I want you to never give up on yourself, my main point of writing this today is to let you know that I am here with you. Millions of people are here with you. You are strong. You are capable. You are WORTHY.

---

Now, it's time for the FACTS

Did you know...

- ELEVEN percent of Americans aged 12 years and over take some form of antidepressant medication?

- Females are much more likely to take antidepressants than men are?

- About ONE-THIRD of people with severe depressive warning signs actually take antidepressant medication?

- Less than ONE-THIRD of people who take a single antidepressant medication have seen a mental health professional within the last year?!

(These facts came from this great website below with important information and statistics on mental health. After you read this post, please see the resources at the bottom of the page to gain more information on Mental Health Disorders: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db76.htm#:~:text=About%20one%20in%2010%20Americans,every%20level%20of%20depression%20severity.)

What stands out to you about those statistics? I'll tell you what stands out to me.

1. The first thing that stood out to me when I first was researching and came upon these stats was the fact that mental health disabilities don't care how young or old you are, your race, your political views, your job or lack there of, or even your sex. Mental illness affects so many people around us. The people we love, the people we see walking down the street, the people laughing and smiling and being "the life of the party". You NEVER know what someone is facing deep down inside. It is TIME that we WAKE up and realize that there is NO more room in this world for hate and exclusion. We need to love on each other and support one another. This is all we have people!

2. The second thing that stood out to me is the fact that women and men BOTH can suffer from mental illnesses, but women are much more likely to actually take the medication. I can tell you why I think this is the case. At such a young age, we tell boys to "toughen up". To stop crying. That if they show their emotion, then they "must be gay". Then even if they are gay, can you imagine the turmoil in their hearts of how to deal with all of these emotions when they were always told to "Stiffen up that upper lip" or "dry it up, boy." I just can't imagine.

Honestly though, I am guilty of this. I love on my nephews day in and day out, but I do tend to be much tougher on them than my nieces. I may tell them to "shake it off" or say "oh, you're fiiiine" much quicker than I would tell the girls. In my opinion, this is an extremely human thing to do to tend to speak this way to boys, but I think the important thing to do is to help them know that while you want them to toughen up and be strong (just like the girls can, too) that it is NORMAL and OKAY to show their emotions.

3. The third thing that stood out to me was the fact that SO many people that took action and got the help they needed, didn't feel the need to seek professional help within that year! This just screams out the importance of letting it all out and not being afraid to be vulnerable and honest about what you need help with.

---

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health or having suicidal thoughts or actions please check out these resources below:

Getting immediate help in a crisis: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help/index.shtml

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Knowing the warning signs: https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Warning-Signs-and-Symptoms

If you have lost a loved one to suicide: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/loss-survivors/

If you have had a loved one ATTEMPT suicide: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/attempt-survivors/

Mental health and youth: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/youth/

SAMHSA's National Helpline number and information: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/youth/

Also please know that I will always be there for you to listen to you when you need it most. Don't hesitate to reach out, as my brother and family said this weekend, "we are here to help each other!"

xoxo Court