December 7th, 2020: Let Your Quirky Flag Fly

Sometimes I’m too much.

Sometimes I talk too much, sing too much, laugh too loudly, worry too much, overthink too much, have too much guilt over nonsense. Sometimes I can even love too much. Sometimes I care way too much about what people think. Sometimes when I start to worry about things I just can't let them go and head down a spiral of anxiety that didn't even need to happen in the first place.

Sometimes I think something is so funny until after I say it I want to instantly put my foot in my too-big mouth. Then I apologize 100 times for possibly crossing a line. Then, go home and think about it 3 million more times until I finally fall asleep. I sound fun, don’t I?

Sometimes I am just not enough.

Sometimes I don’t talk enough because I’m worried about sounding stupid. Sometimes I don’t laugh quite like I want to because I’m too self-conscious. Sometimes I think too little and make a silly mistake and then kick myself for said mistake. Sometimes I don’t speak up when I know I should. Sometimes I let others walk all over me just to make THEM feel more comfortable.

Sometimes I wish I was like "that one girl". Oh, you know, the girl who seems to do everything just at the right time. She laughs at a perfect decibel and knows when to add her opinions without sounding judgmental, pushy, or uninformed.

Sometimes I am so concerned with wanting to be more like those around me that I forget that I am actually exactly how I should be.

I should laugh out loud when I think things are funny because my nephew told me that his favorite thing about me is "how Aunt Courtney makes me laugh". I should cry when I feel wronged, misunderstood, or just plain sad because it is important to stick up for yourself and show emotion when you feel it.

In reality, everyone loves the unique parts about you and you should, too. Loving all parts of who you are takes time and practice. It's an ebb and flow kind of thing. Some days I love how goofy and empathetic I am and other days I just want to be considered as cool, calm, and collected. Which some days I am, but most days I'm not. And that's OK.

As the day our baby girl makes me a mother comes sooner and sooner, topics like this become closer and closer to my heart and mind. I want my little girl to know that she should let her quirky flag fly. The world needs more of that. So, as this day quickly approaches, I will try more and more to do the same. I will continue to learn to love all the unique parts of me so she will learn to do so, too.

If you have days like this where you feel like a little bit of an imposter in your own life and wonder "Why am I like this?!"Please know that it is because the world needs you and those quirky or quiet or loud or calm parts of you.

Let your own flag fly, sister, and as always, if you need someone to talk to you, I'm your girl.

XOXO Court

P.S. If this post speaks to you, send it to those that inspire you to love yourself a little more each day.